you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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