I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
