Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
