Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
