I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
