Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
