ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm bleeding and have questions
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