This is not my ceiling
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
