i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
