If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
