just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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