I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
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