Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
