It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
