Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
