I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
