i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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