i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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