Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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