Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
