No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
