I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
