I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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