She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
