I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
