oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
This house was built for laser tag.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
