It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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