I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
