I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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