They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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