man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
