you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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