well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
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