No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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