I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
