Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
tonight lets celebrate not being married
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
