Well apparently he's into motor boating.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
