Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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