True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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