The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
