I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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