My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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