It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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