then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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