The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Let's paint friendship bongs
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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