I could have mohawked her pubes.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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