Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
