I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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