textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
