I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
