I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
