I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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