The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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