I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
