Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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